Getting Personal

I  don't usually like to devulge my personal life but sometimes it helps to write about things in order to get them off my chest and off my mind.I watch alot of true crime programs.That's one of the great things about satellite T.V.,the choices of different programming.I watched the story of serial killer Wurnos,the first women serial killer What totally stunned me was the parallel of our lives.I had a mother who not only emotionally abused me but pysically abused me.I never got along with this woman.She left my brothers and I when I was 12 and her son,my half brother was 13.As I look back,I see how she favored the son she concieved with a convict before she married my dad.I was out on my own at 13.I got involved with drugs and the street life.I ended up doing 6 mos. in juvenile hall.Got pregnant when I got out,was forced to go back to this woman and her worthless younger husband.4mos later she threw me and my brothers out again.Only this time I was 7 mos. pregnant.I had the chance to ask her a few years ago,why she left us.She blamed it on my fathers family,saying they had made death threats against her.I know that was a lie,my step father was not respected by her children.She picked him over us.I spent almost 1000.00 going to Texas to see this woman after almost 20 years.I had always thought that when you go to visit someone it is customary to show them around.Is'nt it?I spent 2 and 1/2 weeks in Texas,and never saw one thing except the corner store.I could have stayed home and used the thousand on my two kids here in California.I don't have money like that.it was part of a settlement.I feel like just burning the money would have given me more satisfaction than going to Texas had.I was able to forgive her,she never said she was sorry.It was everyone elses fault for what she did to her kids.It was my fault she treated me like she did.I do not call her mom,and I cannot say I consider her any type of a friend.She certianly was never a mother to me.I let go of the hate I had for her,now I just feel pity for her.Her own brother diowned her for what she did to her kids.And she cannot admit that.She claims ignorance as to why he refused to have anything to do with her.Sad thing is,she thinks no one knows why either,but they do.Just as I do.I guess what I'm feeling is that it's ok now.Ok to cut her out of my life.I have finally come to terms with the fact that I never will have the kind of mother you read about.The friend,the one person who loves you no matter what.She is not capable of those feelings.I can let go and know that it was never my fault.It was always her loss.